Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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