is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
