i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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