Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
