First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I know her cup size but not her name....
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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