Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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