do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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