You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
