If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
