I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm both gender and math confused
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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