I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
