i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
