i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
