I think my fart just growled at me.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
