ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
