You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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