I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The uberlube is also flammable
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
