I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
