All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
