The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you win again, gameday.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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