I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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