took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
