I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
