If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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