Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
