I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
