I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
