Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
