I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
