Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
