she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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