I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
