If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
