The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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