Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
