There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
