Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
