I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
