Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
