what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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