everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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