We're like a lot better than the average bears
After last night, I could never be a politician.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
