he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
