Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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