apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
