If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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