I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
