if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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