I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
