Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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