Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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