my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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